the asses kickers
Show me what you got!!!
Owner: fitoanduaga
5-2, 36 roto pts (#2)
Z-Score:
0.947 (percentile: 82.81%)
Weeks at #1: 3
Categories won:
Glasses of Wine Consumed (35)
Best Week:
Episode 1: Dragonstone
(+2 roto points)
Team MVP:
Sandor Clegane (The Hound)
(picked #16,
106 points,
35.22% of team total)
Longest winstreak: W-4
Roster Stats
Roster
charId | Character | Special |
---|---|---|
19 |
Jaime Lannister
The second of the Lannister children, he is Cersei's lover and twin brother, and also the father of her three (now deceased) bastard children, the supposed sons and daughters of the late King Robert Baratheon. He also serves as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
|
* +1 point for awkward waves with his metal hand * +1 point when he uses his metal hand in a combat situation * +1 point when someone (excl. Cersei) references incest with Cersei or her childrens' bastardy directly to him * 2x multiplier for sex acts involving incest (first cousin or closer) |
61 |
Theon Greyjoy
Heir to the Iron Islands, and formerly a ward of House Stark. Theon is slowly recovering from physical and mental breakdown during his time as a prisoner of Ramsay Bolton. He currently accompanies his sister Yara Greyjoy, who has pledged her Ironborn forces to the cause of Daenerys Targaryen.
|
+1 point for scenes where Theon refers to himself as "Reek" +1 point when his missing manhood is referenced |
81 |
Sandor Clegane (The Hound)
A fearsome Lannister knight, formerly known as the Hound. After being left for dead after losing a fight with Brienne of Tarth, he recovered and briefly reformed as a laborer in a nonviolent commune, but has joined with Beric Dondarrion and the Brotherhood without Banners after bandits attack and destroy the village.
|
* +1 point for scenes where he eats * 2x multiplier for actions performed while confronted by fire |
72 |
Qyburn
The new Master of Whispers in King's Landing, loyally serving Queen Cersei Lannister. A disgraced former Maester, he engages in many scientific experiments in his dungeon lab
|
* +1 point whenever he receives a new specimen for his experiments * +1 politics point when reporting information from his "little birds" |
80 |
Gendry
A bastard son of Robert Baratheon, although this fact is not widely known (even to Gendry himself). After being captured by Melisandre, he is freed by Ser Davos and escaped Dragonstone by rowboat. His whereabouts are currently unknown, but he will likely emerge at some point with the swolest arms Westeros has ever seen.
|
+1 point for each act of blacksmithing. |
191 |
Obara Sand
The eldest of Prince Oberyn Martell's bastard children, known as the Sand Snakes. She wields a spear.
|
+1 for invoking the name of Oberyn Martell |
102 |
Thoros of Myr
A Red Priest from the city of Myr - he is a member of the Brotherhood Without Banners, led by Beric Dondarrion.
|
+1 point every time he revives someone. +1 when shown igniting his flaming sword |
270 |
Ed Sheeran
|
+1 for each song sung |
Kills
51:13
(+4)
Theon Greyjoy:
Theon cuts down two of Euron's soldiers as they board Yara's ship.
(Kill of Unnamed Character)
54:43
(+2)
Theon Greyjoy:
Theon cuts down one last Ironborn, before his uncle Euron calls to him.
(Kill of Unnamed Character)
43:03
(+8)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime fends off four Dothraki screamers as they break through the Lannister lines and descend upon his position.
(Kill of Unnamed Character)
After Davos's charade begins to break down, Gendry brings out his warhammer to smash in the faces of the two investigating Gold Cloaks.
(Kill of Unnamed Character)
Gendry smashes in the head of a wight with his warhammer during the ambush on the White Walker scouting party.
(Kill of Unnamed Character)
The Hound shatters the jaw of a wight with one hell of an accurate rock throw. "Dumb cunt."
(Major Injury of Unnamed Character)
47:15
(+44)
Sandor Clegane (The Hound):
The Hound smashes 22 wights in the ensuing battle as the Night King's Army of the Dead descends upon the group.
(Kill of Unnamed Character)
The Hound secures the cargo by impaling the wight onto one of Drogon's spines for the flight out.
(Major Injury of Unnamed Character)
After revealing the wight to the audience in King's Landing, Sandor Clegane reels back its chain and bisects the wight as it charges him.
(Major Injury of Unnamed Character)
53:24
(+1)
Theon Greyjoy:
Theon makes a comeback in round two with Harrag, wearing out the older Ironborn's kneecap on his impervious groin area, and then pounding him into submission.
(Minor Injury of Named Character)
Political Wins
While looking into Thoros' flames, Sandor Clegane discovers the location of the planned White Walker invasion: Eastwatch-by-the-Sea.
"Ice. A wall of ice. The Wall. ... It's where the Wall meets the sea. There's a castle there. There's a mountain. Looks like an arrowhead. The dead are marching past. Thousands of them." (Secret Discovery)
"Ice. A wall of ice. The Wall. ... It's where the Wall meets the sea. There's a castle there. There's a mountain. Looks like an arrowhead. The dead are marching past. Thousands of them." (Secret Discovery)
submitted by jake.kmiech (approved!)
45:38
(+3)
Thoros of Myr:
While looking into Thoros' flames, Sandor Clegane discovers the location of the planned White Walker invasion - Eastwatch-by-the-Sea - a secret which Thoros and the Brotherhood seem to already be aware of.
---
Sandor Clegane: "Ice. A wall of ice. The Wall. ... It's where the Wall meets the sea. There's a castle there. There's a mountain. Looks like an arrowhead. The dead are marching past. Thousands of them."
Beric: "Do you believe me now, Clegane?" (Secret Discovery)
---
Sandor Clegane: "Ice. A wall of ice. The Wall. ... It's where the Wall meets the sea. There's a castle there. There's a mountain. Looks like an arrowhead. The dead are marching past. Thousands of them."
Beric: "Do you believe me now, Clegane?" (Secret Discovery)
0:00
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
After seizing Highgarden, the defeated Olenna Tyrell sits in her prisoner as a prisoner of Jaime Lannister.
(New Follower/Prisoner)
submitted by nyan (approved!)
55:56
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime's offer to Randyll Tarly to rebel against the Tyrells appears to have been accepted, as the Tarly's ride with the Lannister army on the assault on Highgarden.
(Convincing Argument)
55:56
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Randyll Tarly allies with the Lannisters, taking Jaime Lannister's offer to become Warden of the South and marching with the Lannister army against the Tyrells.
(New Follower/Prisoner)
56:32
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime walks through the courtyards of Highgarden, where the Lannister army has been victorious in seizing the castle.
(Victorious Battle)
56:32
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime walks through the courtyards of Highgarden, where the Lannister army has been victorious in seizing the castle.
(Acquire a New Castle/City/Army/Loot)
58:31
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime is in possession of the Valyrian steel sword, Widow's Wail. "How will you do it? With that sword? That was Joffrey's sword, wasn't it? Not that he ever used it. What did he call it?" Jaime: "Widow's Wail."
(New Weapon)
61:26
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
In her dying moments, Olenna Tyrell reveals to Jaime that she was Joffrey's killer.
"I'd hate to die like your son. Clawing at my neck, foam and bile spilling from my mouth, eyes bloodred, skin purple. Must have been horrible for you, as a Kingsguard, as a father. It was horrible enough for me ... You see, I had never seen the poison work before. Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me." (Secret Discovery)
"I'd hate to die like your son. Clawing at my neck, foam and bile spilling from my mouth, eyes bloodred, skin purple. Must have been horrible for you, as a Kingsguard, as a father. It was horrible enough for me ... You see, I had never seen the poison work before. Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me." (Secret Discovery)
submitted by nyan (approved!)
4:50
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime acquires all of the Tyrell gold after taking Highgarden, although it is bound for the Iron Bank.
(Acquire a New Castle/City/Army/Loot)
submitted by nyan (approved!)
32:25
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime is taken by Bronn to the dungeons beneath the Red Keep, where he finds his fugitive brother Tyrion who has arranged a meeting with him there.
(Secret Discovery)
submitted by hindsight44 (approved!)
Gendry unveils the massive warhammer he's fashioned for himself. "I don't know much about swinging swords. But this... this I know."
(New Weapon)
41:13
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
After Jaime and Tyrion's secret meeting, Cersei agrees to the truce with Daenerys while they await for Jon to return with proof of the White Walker situation.
Cersei: "I've come to believe that an accommodation with the Dragon Queen could be in our immediate interest. She has the numbers. If we want to beat her, we have to be clever. We have to fight her like Father would have." (Deals Brokered)
Cersei: "I've come to believe that an accommodation with the Dragon Queen could be in our immediate interest. She has the numbers. If we want to beat her, we have to be clever. We have to fight her like Father would have." (Deals Brokered)
The Hound wields Gendry's warhammer, after Tormund forced him to leave it behind for the group so Gendry could make the marathon run back to Eastwatch faster.
(New Weapon)
Sandor loads the prized captured wight into a boat headed for King's Landing.
(New Follower/Prisoner)
40:01
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
After a private meeting with Tyrion, Cersei agrees to a truce with the Targaryen and Northern forces so that they may collectively combat the White Walker threat, completing the deal brokered by Tyrion, Jaime, and Bronn's secret meeting.
(Deals Brokered)
submitted by nyan (approved!)
53:29
(+3)
Theon Greyjoy:
Theon wins over Harrag's crew of Ironborn after punching him out on the beaches of Dragonstone. "Not for me. For Yara!"
(Acquire a New Castle/City/Army/Loot)
Insults Delivered / Funny Lines
11:31
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime: "How are they better allies? How are they different from the Freys? They both broke their promises and murdered their former friends as soon as it suited them."
Cersei: "So does everyone, when it suits them. Unlike the Freys, they have ships, and they're good at killing."
Jaime: "They're not good at anything." (Witty Insult)
Cersei: "So does everyone, when it suits them. Unlike the Freys, they have ships, and they're good at killing."
Jaime: "They're not good at anything." (Witty Insult)
submitted by alicehanners (approved!)
19:41
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Cersei: "I'm the Queen of the 7 Kingdoms"
Jaime: "Three Kingdoms, at best." (Witty Insult)
Jaime: "Three Kingdoms, at best." (Witty Insult)
submitted by kevinpetsky (approved!)
Thoros: "Bad night to be outdoors."
Sandor: "You've got real powerful magic to figure that out. Did the Lord of Light whisper that in your ear? 'It's snowwing, Thoros.
It's winnndy. It's gonna be a coold night.'" (Funny Line)
Sandor: "You've got real powerful magic to figure that out. Did the Lord of Light whisper that in your ear? 'It's snowwing, Thoros.
It's winnndy. It's gonna be a coold night.'" (Funny Line)
Thoros: "Why are you always in such a foul mood?"
Sandor: "... Experience." (Funny Line)
Sandor: "... Experience." (Funny Line)
to Thoros: "I'll tell you what doesn't scare me: bald cocksuckers like you. You think you're fooling anyone with that top knot?"
(Witty Insult)
submitted by tylermanhart (approved!)
"It's my fucking luck I end up with a band of fire-worshippers" -as Thoros beckons him over to check out the magic prophecy fire he just started
(Funny Line)
13:42
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Randyll Tarly: "Ser Jaime, I believe you know my son."
Jaime: "Rickon, isn't it?"
Dickon: "Dickon."
Jaime: "That's it." (walks past Dickon to speak with Randyll) (Funny Line)
Jaime: "Rickon, isn't it?"
Dickon: "Dickon."
Jaime: "That's it." (walks past Dickon to speak with Randyll) (Funny Line)
48:28
(+3)
Obara Sand:
Tyene Sand: "Maybe I'll kill you both before we take King's Landing. And then I won't have to share."
Obara and Nymeria: "(baby voice) Mammmaaa!" (Funny Line)
Obara and Nymeria: "(baby voice) Mammmaaa!" (Funny Line)
4:05
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Bronn: "You've just won the biggest prize in the world, what do you possibly have to be upset about? C'mon you can tell me - the Queen of Thorns give you one last prick in the balls before saying goodbye?"
Jaime: "I'll save my confessions for the High Septon."
Bronn: "There is no more High Septon."
Jaime: "No, there isn't, is there?" (Comeback)
Jaime: "I'll save my confessions for the High Septon."
Bronn: "There is no more High Septon."
Jaime: "No, there isn't, is there?" (Comeback)
4:57
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
to Bronn: "Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, formerly of... whatever nameless shit-heap you're from... with a saddleback full of gold, complaining about not getting paid."
(Witty Insult)
Gendry bulldozes into his introduction with Jon Snow, after Davos warns him to do the exact opposite.
Davos: "The king's got a lot on his mind."
Gendry: "I understand."
Davos: "He doesn't need to be thinking about harboring the bastard of a dead king."
Gendry: "You don't have to worry."
Davos: "You're just Clovis, a smith who's come to pay his respects before he heads off to work at the Winterfell forges."
Gendry: "Understood."
...
Davos: "Your Grace, this is Clo-"
Gendry: "Name's Gendry, Your Grace. I'm Robert Baratheon's son. Bastard son." (Funny Line)
Davos: "The king's got a lot on his mind."
Gendry: "I understand."
Davos: "He doesn't need to be thinking about harboring the bastard of a dead king."
Gendry: "You don't have to worry."
Davos: "You're just Clovis, a smith who's come to pay his respects before he heads off to work at the Winterfell forges."
Gendry: "Understood."
...
Davos: "Your Grace, this is Clo-"
Gendry: "Name's Gendry, Your Grace. I'm Robert Baratheon's son. Bastard son." (Funny Line)
Jon Snow: "I saw your father once at Winterfell."
Gendry: "I met yours in my shop."
Jon: "You're a lot leaner."
Gendry: "And you're a lot shorter." (Funny Line)
Gendry: "I met yours in my shop."
Jon: "You're a lot leaner."
Gendry: "And you're a lot shorter." (Funny Line)
The Hound interrupts Beric's grand monologue.
Beric: "It doesn't matter what we think our reasons are. There's a greater purpose at work. And we serve it together, whether we know it or not. We may take the steps, but the Lord of Light-"
Hound: "For fuck's sake, will you shut your hole? Are we coming with you or not?" (Funny Line)
Beric: "It doesn't matter what we think our reasons are. There's a greater purpose at work. And we serve it together, whether we know it or not. We may take the steps, but the Lord of Light-"
Hound: "For fuck's sake, will you shut your hole? Are we coming with you or not?" (Funny Line)
Gendry recaps his ordeal after being sold to the Red Priestess Melisandre.
Gendry: "You know what she did to me? She strapped me down on the bed, she stripped me naked-"
Sandor: "Sounds alright so far." (Funny Line)
Gendry: "You know what she did to me? She strapped me down on the bed, she stripped me naked-"
Sandor: "Sounds alright so far." (Funny Line)
Gendry: "She wanted to kill me. And would have killed me if it weren't for-"
Sandor: "But they didn't, did they? So what you whinging about?"
Gendry: "I'm not whinging."
Sandor: "Your lips are moving and you complain about something. That's whinging. This one's been killed six times and you don't hear him bitching about it." (Witty Insult)
Sandor: "But they didn't, did they? So what you whinging about?"
Gendry: "I'm not whinging."
Sandor: "Your lips are moving and you complain about something. That's whinging. This one's been killed six times and you don't hear him bitching about it." (Witty Insult)
Sandor: "You want to suck my dick, is that it?"
Tormund Giantsbane: "Dick?"
Sandor: "Cock."
Tormund: "Ah, dick. I like it."
Sandor: "Bet you do. (Funny Line)
Tormund Giantsbane: "Dick?"
Sandor: "Cock."
Tormund: "Ah, dick. I like it."
Sandor: "Bet you do. (Funny Line)
Tormund: "I want to make babies with her - think of them. Great big monsters. They'd conquer the world."
Sandor: "How did a mad fucker like you live this long?" (Funny Line)
Sandor: "How did a mad fucker like you live this long?" (Funny Line)
30:45
(+3)
Thoros of Myr:
Jorah Mormont: "Something I've always wanted to know ... How drunk were you when you charged through the breach on Pyke?"
Thoros: "If I'm being honest, I don't remember charging through the breach. Some of the lads told me about it the next morning. Sounded like a good scrap." (Funny Line)
Thoros: "If I'm being honest, I don't remember charging through the breach. Some of the lads told me about it the next morning. Sounded like a good scrap." (Funny Line)
31:11
(+3)
Thoros of Myr:
Jorah Mormont: "The Ironborn thought you were some kind of god. The way you were waving that flaming sword. I thought you were the bravest man I ever saw."
Thoros: "Just the drunkest." (Funny Line)
Thoros: "Just the drunkest." (Funny Line)
Beric Dondarrion, as they part ways at Eastwatch: "We'll meet again, Clegane."
Sandor: "Fucking hope not." (Funny Line)
Sandor: "Fucking hope not." (Funny Line)
5:04
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Bronn and Jaime discuss the Unsullied army standing outside the gates of King's Landing.
Bronn: "Men without cocks. You wouldn't find me fighting in an army if I had no cock. What's left to fight for?"
Jaime: "Gold?"
Bronn: "I spent my life around soldiers. What do you think they spend that gold on?"
Jaime: "Family."
Bronn: "Not without a cock, you don't."
Jaime: "Maybe it really is all cocks in the end" (Funny Line)
Bronn: "Men without cocks. You wouldn't find me fighting in an army if I had no cock. What's left to fight for?"
Jaime: "Gold?"
Bronn: "I spent my life around soldiers. What do you think they spend that gold on?"
Jaime: "Family."
Bronn: "Not without a cock, you don't."
Jaime: "Maybe it really is all cocks in the end" (Funny Line)
submitted by kevinpetsky (approved!)
Sandor Clegane: "Am I going to die in this shit city?"
Tyrion Lanniser: "You might."
Sandor: "And this is all your idea. Seems every bad idea has some Lannister cunt behind it." (Witty Insult)
Tyrion Lanniser: "You might."
Sandor: "And this is all your idea. Seems every bad idea has some Lannister cunt behind it." (Witty Insult)
to Gregor Clegane: "Remember me? Yeah, you do. You're even fucking uglier than I am now. What did they do to you? Doesn't matter. That's not how it ends for you, brother. You know who's coming for you. You've always known."
(Threat)
Glasses of Wine Consumed
48:08
(+5)
Obara Sand:
Obara drinks in her hammock below deck, as the Sand Sisters argue over who they will kill in King's Landing.
(Glass of Wine Consumed)
48:33
(+5)
Theon Greyjoy:
Theon drinks with Yara and Ellaria Sand below deck as they sail for Sunspear.
(Glass of Wine Consumed)
29:27
(+5)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime takes a drink in Cersei's chambers as we all try to collectively erase the imagery of Euron sticking Cersei with the pointy end.
(Glass of Wine Consumed)
58:03
(+5)
Thoros of Myr:
Thoros gives a glance back to the Hound as he takes a swig from his flask.
(Glass of Wine Consumed)
Gendry takes the wineskin offered by Thoros after the Hound shuts down his "whinging".
(Glass of Wine Consumed)
27:18
(+5)
Thoros of Myr:
Thoros asks for a drink from his flask moments after being mauled by the wight bear.
(Glass of Wine Consumed)
The Hound gets one short swig in before Jon ruins the party and takes back the flask. "We have to burn the body."
(Glass of Wine Consumed)
Acts of Intercourse
30:10
(+20)
Jaime Lannister:
Jaime gets his trousers dropped as Cersei is feeling extra thirsty after another exhilarating session of dungeon torturing her enemies.
(Act of Intercourse)
Deaths
56:02
(+2)
Obara Sand:
In the aftermath of Euron's ambush on Yara's fleet, Obara's body is shown impaled with her own spears onto the bowsprit of the burning ship.
(Dead Body Appearance)
39:00
(+5)
Thoros of Myr:
Thoros is found dead in the morning, having succumbed to his injuries and lack of snuggles in the frost as the the group is marooned on the rock isle in the middle of the frozen lake.
(Death)
Special
25:39
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Euron Greyjoy: "Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to grow up and marry the most beautiful woman in the world, so here I am with a thousand ships and two good hands." (looks at Jaime)
(Special)
submitted by xdwxrd (approved!)
36:09
(+3)
Ed Sheeran:
Ed leads the Lannister camp of soldiers in a song: "for hands of gold are always cold, but a woman's hands are warm."
(Special)
submitted by nyan (approved!)
45:39
(+3)
Thoros of Myr:
Thoros conjures a magic prophecy fire to share a vision of the White Walker invasion with Sandor Clegane.
(Special)
submitted by nyan (approved!)
Qyburn presents a high-powered dragon-killing ballista to Cersei. "Apparently, one of Daenerys' dragons was wounded by spears in the fighting pits of Meereen. If they can be wounded, they can be killed."
(Special)
48:11
(+3)
Obara Sand:
to Nymeria: "The Mountain killed father. He'll crush you with one hand."
(Special)
55:00
(+3)
Theon Greyjoy:
Euron taunts Theon into fleeing the battle as he holds Yara captive: "Ah come on, you cockless coward. I have her. Come and get her."
(Special)
24:13
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Euron asks Jaime for advice on pleasing Cersei: "Does she like it gentle, or rough? A finger in the bum? Shh, shh, shh, shh, not now. We'll talk later."
(Special)
61:26
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Olenna Tyrell: "I'd hate to die like your son. Clawing at my neck, foam and bile spilling from my mouth, eyes blood red, skin purple. Must have been horrible for you, as a Kingsguard, as a father."
(Special)
43:55
(+3)
Jaime Lannister:
Jamie uses his golden hand to block a strike from an attacking Dothraki.
(Special)
submitted by cyprus05 (approved!)
25:49
(+3)
Thoros of Myr:
Thoros lights his sword on fire as the wight bear descends on the party.
(Special)
The Feels
48:49
(+0)
Theon Greyjoy:
Jon Snow comes around to forgive Theon for his betrayals to their family.
Theon: "I always wanted to do the right thing. Be the right kind of person. But I never knew what that meant. It always seemed like there's like there was an impossible choice I had to make. Stark or Greyjoy."
Jon Snow: "Our father was more of a father to you than yours ever was. ... And you betrayed him. Betrayed his memory. ... But you never lost him. He's a part of you. Just like he's a part of me. But the things I've done It's not my place to forgive you for all of it.
But what I can forgive, I do. You don't need to choose. You're a Greyjoy and you're a Stark." (Warm Fuzzy Moment)
Theon: "I always wanted to do the right thing. Be the right kind of person. But I never knew what that meant. It always seemed like there's like there was an impossible choice I had to make. Stark or Greyjoy."
Jon Snow: "Our father was more of a father to you than yours ever was. ... And you betrayed him. Betrayed his memory. ... But you never lost him. He's a part of you. Just like he's a part of me. But the things I've done It's not my place to forgive you for all of it.
But what I can forgive, I do. You don't need to choose. You're a Greyjoy and you're a Stark." (Warm Fuzzy Moment)